A few weeks back, I wrote this letter to my brother on my blog. Posting that letter was very cathartic for me and I feel like I have finally accepted that I have a brother in jail. For a very long time, I was very ashamed and embarrassed to have a family member incarcerated.
Why?
For many reasons, but there is one that stands out more than others: I didn't want small-minded people judging my entire family based on the errors made by one.
"Oh, her brother is in jail? Their parents must be a real piece of work if one of their children ends up in jail."
I had an AMAZING upbringing. I never remember being left wanting anything essential. We ate homemade meals every day, rarely eating fast food and we always ate around the dinner table as a family. We had routine, structure, and lots of love. I never doubted that my parents loved me wholeheartedly. They kept us safe and led by example morally. We took family vacations every year and participated in endless extracurricular activites. There is not ONE thing that I can think of that my parents could have done differently to affect the outcome of my brother's life. We were a very typical middle-class family. The reason my brother is in jail is because of HIS decisions. He made them as an adult, outside of my parents home.
"If her brother is a criminal, I bet she has some sort of record too. Usually this stuff runs in a family."
I have never been arrested. I have had ONE traffic ticket (thanks to my husband, I totally blame him for it he is bad influence!). I have never done any sort of illegal drugs, I have never even smoked a cigarette. Yup, I am a total goodie-two-shoes-thank-you-very-much.
I was so terrified of these thoughts by people who obviously don't know my family or me, that I kept it very quiet for years about my brother. This was re-inforced when I did trust this secret with a very close friend who betrayed me. It was not her secret to tell and our friendship ultimately ended as a result of this. That is how much I wanted to keep this "secret" kept that way.
I don't know what made me finally accept that my brother was in jail. Maybe I finally realized the thoughts of small-minded people that I don't even know shouldn't matter to me. Maybe I realized that no matter how embarrassed or ashamed I felt, it wasn't going to change the situation. Maybe its a combination of many things!
So like I said, posting this letter on my blog was therapeutic. Even after I posted it, I was not sure when I was going to actually send it to him. I love my brother but its hard let myself get emotionally invested in him when I have been let down so many times. And since the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, his track record isn't stellar. Fortunately for me, my Dad stepped in and mailed a copy of my letter to my brother. I am glad he was able to do what I didn't quite have the guts to do.
My brother wrote back a very nice letter. But once again I am hemming and hawing about it. I received the response on Valentine's Day and I still haven't replied. I have to let myself be in a vulnerable place so I can be totally honest and real with him. I am not going to waste my time pretending to be okay with him, but if he is really being accountable for his actions then I can take the time to work on our relationship. But his response was very touching and I hope he was being honest with me.
I still have the daydream that after this stint in jail he will finally clean up. That his daughter and my daughter will be able to grow up together, be pen pals if we live far apart or be friends if we live close enough. It kills me when my daughter asks about seeing her cousin. When she names all of her friends, she always lists her cousin. But at the same time, I am afraid to expose my daughter to my brother if he is not being a good role model. Yes, he has made mistakes. But what matters most is if he learns from those mistakes and takes the steps to not make them again. I realize no one is perfect and I do not expect perfection from anyone but myself. I would just like to see his future mistakes be on a smaller scale, like forgetting to take out the garbage on trash day.
I just hope he has as much faith in himself as I have in him because I truly believe he can change if HE wants to and he does it for HIMSELF. While changing for his kids is very admirable, the change won't stick if he doesn't realize that he must do it all for himself first.
I will be the first to admit that I am not a fan of Valentines Day.
It puts too much pressure on people to show their love on just this ONE day of the year. Flowers are pretty and chocolates are yummy, but do they really mean more on Valentines Day? I believe that you should show your love and appreciation 365 days of the year. Why should one day in particular be any more special just because Hallmark says so?
I mean, I have nothing against flowers and chocolates! But I want to get them for reasons other than "because its Valentines Day".
Like yesterday.
Yesterday was not one of my best days. I was in a sour mood for quite a few reasons. Mostly things that are beyond my control weren't going my way (imagine that...). Anyways while I was out and about running errands, Hubs picked up flowers, chocolates, and a pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks and totally surprised me. The gifts weren't because of Valentines Day, but because I needed a pick-me-up.
So I bet you are wondering what we are doing today to celebrate Valentines Day. Today we are just hanging out at home. Spending time with each other. Does that seem too simple? Well, this is the first Valentines Day in years that Hubs has NOT been on deployment or had duty like the last 3 years. 4 years ago I had morning sickness all day but thought it was the flu, so that Valentines Day wasn't great. Like I said, its been a while since we have "celebrated" Valentines Day together.
And this is how I want to spend it: Together. At home. Time is the most important gift we can give each other because it is something that is so valuable, its priceless.
Oh yah, and we have gym time tonight too. Yup, we are working out on Valentines Day. I am making ribs for dinner, but it wasn't something special I bought just for Valentines Day. I totally got them on sale at the commissary last week for $0.99/lb.
We are definitely not normal. Haha!
For that special someone in your life, whether it is your spouse, significant other, someone you are dating, or your child, remember to show the love year 'round.
Its no secret that one of my guilty pleasures is watching all of the "Real Housewives of ____" on Bravo. My favorite is OC, followed closely by the ladies of NJ. Right now, BH and ATL are running their seasons.
Bahahaha I just noticed my use of acronyms, can you tell I'm a military wife?
Okay back to the important stuff, Real Housewives and their so-called reality. We all know the show isn't totally real and these women are pretty damn dramatic but this all makes for good TV. I know most people connect to the characters on these shows by finding parallels between their lives and their own. Alot of people identify with Jacqueline from NJ because of her struggles with fertility. Or Brandi from BH because of her (now ex) spouse's, very public infidelity. Or the dynamic of the sisterly bond between Gina and Caroline on NJ. For myself, I just watch the shows to get my dose of drama. I don't like it so much in real life, but for an hour I will live vicariously through these women to get my fill.
Usually these women find themselves in situations that I will probably never ever get myself into. Like selling stories to the tabloids about my friends. Or getting sued for slander. Or being accused of making a copycat booty workout video. Maybe the closest I would get would be eating a piece of cake before it had been ceremoniously cut...haha!
Well after watching an episode of RHOBV, I found myself thinking, "Hey I've been in that situation before and I am glad I did not handle it the way she did!".
To sum up this catfight, these two women were friends (Brandi & Adrienne) and for some reason or another the friendship started going bad. Then because of her bitter feelings Brandi revealed some big secret about Adrienne, something so secret that lawyers are involved.
I think we have all been there, the ending of a friendship. It happens for many different reasons and sometimes they are are quite dramatic. I had what I thought to be a very close friendship end very suddenly. Both of our feelings were hurt. But instead of turning this into a reality TV situation, I kept my mouth shut despite what other parties involved were doing. Whatever secrets or confidences were told to me when we were friends, I kept it that way despite our friendship dissolving. I am adult and I am aware that whatever comes out of my mouth is a reflection of me. That is what you should have done Ms. Brandi from RHOBV. When Adrienne told you that secret, it was because you were close friends. Just because the friendship ends doesn't mean you can run around telling those secrets, even if you feel like Adrienne had wronged you or was running her mouth.
*NEWSFLASH* When you gossip about someone else, it only temporarily makes you feel better. In the long run though, it makes you look worse and you will feel that way too.
When you open your mouth and air out someone else's dirty laundry, you are the one that looks like an a**. Why would anyone trust you after so publicly telling someone else's business? Instead of making her look like a fool and gaining sympathy points for yourself, it backfired and you are the one that looks likes an idiot. At least now I know what would have happened had I decided to run around town telling my ex-bestie's darkest secrets. I mean, I doubt she would have lawyered up but I get the gist of it.
So thank you Real Housewives for showing my how NOT to deal with situations. I love love love the drama on your shows but not-so-much in my real life.
You gotta love the beginning of the year: NFL playoffs, BCS Championship Game, packed gyms because everyone is still sticking to their New Years Resolution...
Speaking of working out, I had to park like waaay in the back of the parking lot at the gym tonight. Can we just skip ahead 2 months so I can get back to parking up front? I go to the gym to workout, I don't want a workout heading to the gym HAH!
I have a few words of advice for those of you that decided to become gym rats for the New Year, advice that is both encouraging and catty:
It is going to hurt. For a long. Long. Time. That is how you know you are doing it right. Don't let that keep you from the gym because when you decide you want to start working out again, it will hurt just the same. Just get past the first few weeks of soreness and you will feel much better.
Just because you workout doesn't mean you can eat crap. Unless you are like in the 18-23 age range with no kids. Those years are when you have the most amazing metabolism and you can eat & drink whatever you want and not gain an ounce. But if you are hitting the gym, you obviously don't fall into that category so you will need to supplement your workouts with a good diet. Have you ever heard the saying that abs are made in the kitchen? Its true, I swear it on my daughters life (see how serious I am?!). If you feed your body crap, your workouts will be crap. You need to feed your body the right amount of food (don't starve yourselves) and the right kinds of food. Need a place to start? Keep a food diary. They have tons of apps out there, my fave is Lose It! You can set goals, enter in your meals even customize them, and add in you workouts. There are lots of diets and meal plans out there, research them to find one that works for you.
Now for the catty part...when you buy gym clothes there are a few important things to keep in mind. Please please please PLEASE make sure your black yoga pants are not see through. So when you buy those new gym pants, keep the tags on. Bring them home, and try them on with the brightest color granny panties you have. Then in a brightly lit room in the safety of your home, bend over in front of your mirror. Your best friend. Your husband. Your 3 year old daughter....and ask them, "What color panties do I have on?".
Another note on the panties, what is the point of wearing thongs to the gym? How in the hell is that comfortable?? Maybe that is why people quit going to the gym...People you can go commando under your crop pants for an hour while you are at the gym. Your gyno might agree with me!
The point of a sports bra is to keep those puppies locked in place during exercise. Do you know that Victoria's Secret makes a PUSHUP sports bra?? You have got to be frickin kidding me. If you are wearing one of those to the gym, I hope your boobs slap you in the face while you are running or doing jumping jacks. That is just ridiculous. Maybe if I was a single gal or one of those scandalous military wives I would be concerned about how perky my boobs are at the gym. Honestly folks if you are that worried about how you look while you are at the gym, how can you be concentrating that hard on your workout?
I am probably just bitter because I have no boobs.
Lastly, if you are going to take up space in a packed gym class then at least put forth a half ass effort. I don't get it, why show up if you are just going to smack your gum and do the exercises whenever or however you feel like it? I understand if you are new to the class and are just learning, so I'm not talking about you guys! You peeps are actually trying. What I am talking about are the people that are busy chatting with their friend, smacking their gum, and putting forth zero effort. That is just annoying to me. I bet that person got one of the parking spots right in front of the gym too....
By no means am I trying to discourage anyone from keeping their New Years resolution. I just wanted to give a few friendly bits of clothing advice and vent about having to park a whole 4 rows back from the front of the gym....
In all honesty, if you have any questions about how I lost my weight and how I'm keeping it off I will gladly answer them! Just message me on here or on my Facebook page. I know its hard to go to the gym when you are overweight and self conscious. But I find the gym to be the one place where I can wear baggy clothes, no makeup, and get sweaty without being judged. Maybe its where I workout, maybe its because when I go to the gym its about ME and not about anyone else.
Just remember, all the people at the gym have the same goal: Get Healthy and Stay that Way!
