My Path to Acceptance

A few weeks back, I wrote this letter to my brother on my blog. Posting that letter was very cathartic for me and I feel like I have finally accepted that I have a brother in jail. For a very long time, I was very ashamed and embarrassed to have a family member incarcerated. 

Why?

For many reasons, but there is one that stands out more than others: I didn't want small-minded people judging my entire family based on the errors made by one. 

"Oh, her brother is in jail? Their parents must be a real piece of work if one of their children ends up in jail."

I had an AMAZING upbringing. I never remember being left wanting anything essential. We ate homemade meals every day, rarely eating fast food and we always ate around the dinner table as a family. We had routine, structure, and lots of love. I never doubted that my parents loved me wholeheartedly. They kept us safe and led by example morally. We took family vacations every year and participated in endless extracurricular activites. There is not ONE thing that I can think of that my parents could have done differently to affect the outcome of my brother's life. We were a very typical middle-class family. The reason my brother is in jail is because of HIS decisions. He made them as an adult, outside of my parents home.

"If her brother is a criminal, I bet she has some sort of record too. Usually this stuff runs in a family."

I have never been arrested. I have had ONE traffic ticket (thanks to my husband, I totally blame him for it he is bad influence!). I have never done any sort of illegal drugs, I have never even smoked a cigarette. Yup, I am a total goodie-two-shoes-thank-you-very-much. 

I was so terrified of these thoughts by people who obviously don't know my family or me, that I kept it very quiet for years about my brother. This was re-inforced when I did trust this secret with a very close friend who betrayed me. It was not her secret to tell and our friendship ultimately ended as a result of this. That is how much I wanted to keep this "secret" kept that way.

I don't know what made me finally accept that my brother was in jail. Maybe I finally realized the thoughts of small-minded people that I don't even know shouldn't matter to me. Maybe I realized that no matter how embarrassed or ashamed I felt, it wasn't going to change the situation. Maybe its a combination of many things!

So like I said, posting this letter on my blog was therapeutic. Even after I posted it, I was not sure when I was going to actually send it to him. I love my brother but its hard let myself get emotionally invested in him when I have been let down so many times. And since the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, his track record isn't stellar. Fortunately for me, my Dad stepped in and mailed a copy of my letter to my brother. I am glad he was able to do what I didn't quite have the guts to do. 

My brother wrote back a very nice letter. But once again I am hemming and hawing about it. I received the response on Valentine's Day and I still haven't replied. I have to let myself be in a vulnerable place so I can be totally honest and real with him. I am not going to waste my time pretending to be okay with him, but if he is really being accountable for his actions then I can take the time to work on our relationship. But his response was very touching and I hope he was being honest with me.

I still have the daydream that after this stint in jail he will finally clean up. That his daughter and my daughter will be able to grow up together, be pen pals if we live far apart or be friends if we live close enough. It kills me when my daughter asks about seeing her cousin. When she names all of her friends, she always lists her cousin. But at the same time, I am afraid to expose my daughter to my brother if he is not being a good role model. Yes, he has made mistakes. But what matters most is if he learns from those mistakes and takes the steps to not make them again. I realize no one is perfect and I do not expect perfection from anyone but myself. I would just like to see his future mistakes be on a smaller scale, like forgetting to take out the garbage on trash day. 

I just hope he has as much faith in himself as I have in him because I truly believe he can change if HE wants to and he does it for HIMSELF. While changing for his kids is very admirable, the change won't stick if he doesn't realize that he must do it all for himself first. 

 

A Letter To My Brother

Hey Matt, hows it going? Today has been a good day. Hubs didn't have duty, so he was able to stay at home with Little Miss while I did my couponing 'rounds. I did alot of "people watching" when I was out and about, especially when I was at WalMart. Man, some of the people that shop there are quite....entertaining to say the least. During my people watching today, it got me thinking. Every time I see a young teenaged guy, it reminds me of you. Well, maybe not every time, but most of the time there is something in these young kids that makes me think you. Its hard to put my finger on exactly, but its just the look or the expression on their faces. I don't know if its just teenage angst or what, but there is some quality that reminds me of you. 

You have led quite the opposite style of life than me. You have been involved with buying and selling drugs, stealing from family (myself included), friends, strangers, and a church. Your drug addiction goes all the way back to your high school years. I probably haven't seen you sober for 10 years now, however even in your drug addicted state I have witnessed a few moments of clarity. 

It would be so easy to just put you out of my mind and write you off as another junkie serving time in jail. But you are my brother, how can I just forget about the kid we used to put in dresses and feed dog food? My fondest memories growing up include you. Its just so hard to give up on you. It has been a process, learning how to love you from a distance. Letting you get close means making myself vulnerable to being hurt and let down because lets face it, kicking a drug addiction isn't easy. It has been over a decade and you still haven't cleaned up. You have been arrested, served time in jail, lost custody of your daughter, have lived on the streets, no life changing experience has caused you to kick the habit yet. And soon my nephew, your son, will be born. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't worry about my niece or nephew. Not that they are in any sort of danger right now, but its a worry about their future. Will your chaotic life cause me to miss my niece growing up? I feel like I have missed so much already. Little Miss often asks if we are going to see her cousin or asks if she can talk to her. I want nothing more than for them to grow up together, we grew up far away from all of our cousins so I would love for Little Miss to grow up surrounded by extended family. But because of your choices and addiction, it makes everything so much harder and much more complicated.

No amount of love from Mom, Dad, or any of the family has persuaded you to clean up. After becoming a parent myself, I began to understand why Mom & Dad have done so much for you and they still continue to do so. Unfortunately, in this situation I think the best love for you is tough love. Which is easier said than done. There is a difference between simply loving someone and enabling them, but its not an easily defined area. I want to offer so much to help. You need a place to stay while you get back on your feet? I have no problem, but when you stay for months, not look for a job, do illegal things and ask me to watch your kid anytime you decide to go out on a date (and by the way how are you paying for this date if you don't have a job or money to pay rent at a place of your own?)....see what I mean? How do I love you and help you without enabling you to make the same poor decisions that got you here in the first place?

When people ask me how old you are, I really want to say 14. That is about the last time I remember you being sober. Its before life at home got so complicated. I want to go back to that kid when he was 14 and just shake him, warn him, do something to prevent all the bad things that have happened since that age. I think that is why when I see a young teen boy, I see you. I want to see my brother before his eyes were clouded and bloodshot. When he wasn't edgy, anxious, and jittery. When he was honest. Man, I think I miss that the most, knowing when you were telling the truth.

The last time I saw you, you gave me a glimmer of hope. You stayed for me, you stayed for your daughter. I am going to hold onto that for as long as I can. I am hoping that you will allow the person that I know you are capable of being break through this addiction. 

Taking a hot chocolate break at the ski hill