Breaking Up With A Friend?

While I cook my breakfast every morning, I have my kitchen TV tuned into the Today Show. This week, Kathie Lee & Hoda were interviewing experts on how to break up with a friend. The discussion piqued my interests and I wanted to talk about it on my blog!

I have lots of friends, but not many who are lifelong friends. I do have close friends but its not a forever BFF sort of thing. Over time our lives change; whether we get married, moved away, had kids, PCS'd, or just drifted apart. These were all valid reasons and while I still keep in contact with most of these friends, we just aren't as close as we used to be. Sure, I miss what we once had as friends but I've come to realize that some people come into your life for a short time and some were meant to be around longer. I value each and every close friendship I've had, for each one has brought joy into my life and I hope I've brought some into theirs. I've also learned something with each friendship and created some great memories with these friends.

But what about friendships that have just become toxic? We all have had those friendships where you have tried to repair or address the issues but it has changed nothing. Or you find out a friend has betrayed you in such a way, you can never trust them again. This is when you have to figure out how to "break up" with this friend, severing ties,  instead of just letting the friendship drift apart naturally.
 
I thought once I was married, I was finished with this whole breaking up business! I haven't had to break up with many friends and I find the whole situation stressful, but to be honest it had to be done and we both needed closure. The friendship wasn't working for either of us, so why prolong the inevitable? My needs weren't being met and obviously I wasn't meeting their needs either.

Before you decide to break up with a friend, make sure you are really unable to salvage the relationship. Have you tried to talk to them about what they have done to offend or hurt you? At one point, this person was a close friend. You should give them the opportunity to explain themselves and salvage the friendship.

If you have already exhausted all friendship repair efforts and nothing has changed, then its time to move onto the break up stage. 

Here are my tips for breaking up with a friend:

1. Make it short, sweet, and to the point. Don't ignore their phone calls or texts just because you are too uncomfortable to discuss the situation. At one point, you were close friends and because we are all adults here, you owe them the closure of ending the friendship. 
2. While you may want to vent and list all of your so-called friends' offenses, don't do it. If you are at the point of having a break up talk, then you are at the point of not making up. Listing all their wrong-doings will do nothing more than make everyone angry and bring unneeded drama to the situation.
3. Don't suck mutual friends into the situation. The issue is between you and the offending friend and it should be kept that way. Remember we are all adults here...
4. Have the discussion either face to face or over the phone. Don't do it over text or Facebook! 
5. After the break up, its time to move on and leave the issues with that friendship alone. The friendship is done and over with, so there should be no more talking about it especially with mutual friends. Okay, you can talk about it but keep it limited to your parents and your spouse (they have taken a vow of secrecy, right?).

I would like to say the hardest part is over with, but I would be lying if I did. It is very likely you and this now un-friend have friends in common. You will probably have to face this person again in social situations down the road. You really have to deal with your hurt feelings as an adult here, no gossiping! You don't want to be involved in a "he said, she said" situation that erupts in drama the next time you see this person. Don't put your mutual friends in this position. If you can't say anything nice about the person you unfriended, then don't say anything at all. This goes back to not involving your mutual friends in the dispute, don't make them chose sides! How would you feel if they did the same to you? Just because the friendship didn't work out with you, doesn't mean they aren't good friends to someone else.

Likely you will have hurt feelings about the situation with this person. Trust me, I know this is hard to deal with. I encourage you to find a productive way to work through your hurt feelings. Sometimes, the hurt will go away soon after ending the friendship. I hope that is the case for you. But sometimes it takes alot longer to work through the betrayal you feel. I find when I start feeling negatively about a person, if I find a way to distract myself until its no longer in my head and I feel alot better. I hate harboring such angry feelings towards an individual and no matter how much I try to reason it out, my emotions get the best of me. It gets better as time passes but I think a part of me will always be hurt, especially because they think they did nothing wrong. I just have to let it go and move on, its no longer worth my time & worry. 

Its a natural part of life, people come and people go. Some people go from close friends you talk to daily to people you occasionally (s)talk to on Facebook. Life happens, we change, its an always evolving situation. Some people stick around forever, while some are there for short term. It doesn't mean you didn't value the time you had together because it wasn't a lifelong friendship. 

Usually, friendships just drift apart naturally and hopefully there isn't much drama associated with it. Sometimes though you find yourselves in a toxic friendship and you need to know when & how to sever those ties.

Have I always followed my rules for ending a friendship? Definitely not. Had I wished I had? Most definitely. Let my mistakes teach you, save yourself the heartache and drama.

Good Wine, Good Friends, & Great Deals!

This is how I am unwinding after a crazy few days. My "secret santa" brought me a new set of Mikasa wine glasses & a bottle of moscato and I could not be happier! I am so fortunate to have finally found great friends. Actually, I am doubly blessed because I have 2 groups (Play Group ladies and my "Big E" ladies) of great ladies that I can call on at a moments notice, trust with my secrets, rant to when I need someone to listen, and count on them to be there for myself & my family.

I made another dress yesterday as a birthday gift. It turned out really well, I loved the contrasting pockets. This was my first time making a pullover dress!

I have my first "Tacky Christmas Sweater" party coming up and I have no ugly sweater! So I went to Goodwill to find one. I didn't find an ugly sweater, but I found a whole lot more goodies. I paid $39 for 4 long sleeve tops for me, 3 long sleeve tops for Little Miss, a sweater dress & shawl for her, and a pair of adjustable pants! These clothes look so new I am wondering why someone would give them up. I found a white cable knit sweater from Ann Taylor Loft, a new black Nike hoodie jacket, a grey GAP hoodie, a bright green top from Izaac Mizrahi. Little Miss scored Oshkosh jeans, a GAP corduroy jacket, a Gymboree top, a shawl from Children's Place, and a sweater dress from Old Navy. If you break it down, we averaged $3.90 per piece of clothing. I tried on some jeans from BeBe and True Religion but they were the low rise ones, low rise jeans do not work on me since I had Little Miss. I don't know what happened but all of a sudden I have major plumber's crack whenever I wear low rise jeans. 

 So does anyone have an ugly sweater I can borrow for my "Tacky Christmas Sweater" party next week?

Focus on the Positive, the Rest Will Fall Into Place

Life sure keeps me on my toes. Things were going by so smoothly and effortlessly, then BAM! life happens. After spending a restless night trying to solve the problems in my head and an interesting morning filled with more drama, I am still no closer to a solution than I was 36 hours ago when this all began. 


To be blunt, it really sucks that there is NOTHING I can do to solve the problems. It sucks that part of my life that used to bring me such fulfillment now hangs over me like a rain cloud. It sucks when people refuse to respect or appreciate the people that would do and give anything to see them succeed. After spending hours trying to find an answer to the problems I am faced with, I've realized there is nothing I can do but pray and stay out of it to let time take its course. There is nothing I can say or do to change the minds of the parties involved, I will just pray and put my energy elsewhere.


Since I can't solve all the problems that will arise in my life, the next best thing is finding a way to deal with it: Its better to focus on the things in life that are going great and put my energy into that rather than waste it on problems with no absolution in sight. 

 Remembering the moment this photo was taken still makes my heart flutter!

I am blessed with an amazing family!

I couldn't have more understanding, patient, and dependable friends!

I wish I had a good picture to post of my parents, but they are included too. I am one lucky girl! I would be wasting my time and energy if I spent one moment worrying about problems that can't be solved. I look at all the things going right in my life and that makes me happy. There will always be problems so why should I spent my time being miserable and stressed?

So right now I am going to spend some time with Little Miss and watch Elmo (her current obsession), go to spin class later today, and enjoy a quiet night at home while Hubs had duty!

 

 

Can it be next week already?

Today has been more stressful than I wished but all is well that ends well right? I want to thank my friends for sending prayers and well wishes out for my family today. My father-in-law is on the mend and they expect him to be released from the hospital in the next 2 days. He sure gave us a scare, especially this close to deployment. This was the last thing I wanted Hubs to be worried about this close to leaving. But alot can happen in 6 months. People will get married, new babies will be born, and unfortunately some people will pass on from this life. I don't even want to imagine what it will be like to no longer have my parents just a phone call away. After what happened today, I've decided I am going to start taking better care of myself. Its not like I am trashing my body or anything, I just don't want Little Miss or Hubs to have to live without me one moment longer than they have to. It is my responsibility to take care of my body so I can ensure I will be here for my family. Yes, I am typing this as I am scarfing down Domino's pizza. Yuck. 

I am really starting to consider getting a tattoo. I have the picture all drawn up, I need to shrink it because I don't want it as large as I have drawn it. I just don't know where I want it. Front of my hip or the back of it. I would prefer the front, but then I worry that if we decide to have another kid if the tattoo will get...you know...all stretched out. After I figure out where I want the tattoo all I have left is to figure out is who will be doing the tattoo. One step at a time.

Last week I was hesitating planning much for this week, both before and after the big D-day. Thanks to the lovely ladies from the Play Group, I have Friday morning and afternoon planned. I am hoping to get together with some other wives after the ship pulls away from the pier. Maybe a late breakfast or lunch who knows I just know what I am going to need. I am going to need to be around friends. Real friends, good people I don't have to worry about judging me while I'm going through this whirlwind of emotions. People who won't tell me on day 1, 2, or even day 3 that this is what I signed up for and I need to just get over it. People who will be there for me when I do finally break down. In turn, I will be there whenever they need my strength. We'll all share the loneliness and heartache together. Maybe that way it won't be as bad. It won't all be gloomy, but we have to get through the bad stuff to get to the good right?

But in all honesty, I just want my mom.


Project Gratitude Day 8:
I am grateful that someone up there was watching over my family today and everything is looking up.




 

Thats What Friends Are For!

Today hasn't been the easiest of days...Hubs went to work and its going to be a few until we see him again. I am getting used to seeing him come and go, but today was different. Normally when he leaves its super early in the morning and Little Miss is fast asleep. Not today. She cried so much when he left and she stayed in a sour mood for most of the day. I was hoping (more like wishing) she wouldn't be old enough yet to notice his coming and going. It hit me that this was the last goodbye before the big one. I know I am as ready as I can be, but how do I prepare Little Miss? All I can say is, thank goodness for great friends. 

My Bestie came by today and we hit up Bed Bath & Beyond with coupons in hand! Little Miss loves the Bestie so she cheered up. I scored some lovely holiday candles, hangars for the Christmas stockings, and we both bought small space heaters since it has turned quite chilly! Then we both just hung out at my place. I love having a friend that I can just hang out with and never run out of things to say. We probably talk about the same stuff a million times over! So this inspired me enough to blog about it. What makes a good friend? Here are my deal-breakers:

1. MUST be trustworthy. For me, I cannot stress this enough. I have to be able to trust someone enough to know they will keep my secrets and not feed the rumor mill. I am amazed daily how people can so easily betray a friends trust just so they will be accepted by another group. I am startled by how rampant this is among milispouses! Don't even get me started on that drama...I've been burned enough in the last 3 years to know how to sort out who I can trust from who I can't.  I am the sort of person that needs someone to rant to just so I can get it out of my system. I don't necessarily need advice or direction, I just need someone who will listen and who I can trust to help me through whatever is bothering me. In return, I will be as loyal as the day is long. I don't ask anything of people that I wouldn't do myself.
2. Be open, honest, and real. There is no need to hide who you really are. If you can accept me for who I am, then give me the chance to accept you in return! If I do something that bothers you, speak up because I will do that same. There is no need for pretending to be someone else. I understand its not easy to be very open to someone right away (refer to #1) but I want nothing more than to have a friend I can sit around with and be 100% comfortable in my own skin. So I want you to be just as comfortable around me!
3. Be dependable! This is a huge pet peeve of mine. I hate it when I make plans with people and then they don't show up, don't call, nothing. If something comes up just let me know and we can change or cancel our plans. It also gets under my skin when I see someone go above and beyond to help out a friend and when they need help, that friend is no where to be found. I guess it bothers me so much because I've been in that position alot. I believe that there is good in just about everyone so I always hope they would do the same for me as I do for them. So if someone needs a hand, I'm there. It just stings when they aren't there in return.

Those are just the biggies. I am lucky enough to have met many people in the last year that have surpassed those friendship-breakers. Thank goodness, I know those friendships are going to help get me through the deployment(s) ahead...