Thursday, October 25, 2012

Guilty & Worried

As this deployment is coming to an end, I am experiencing a plethora of emotions. Of course I am excited, anxious, and relieved. However there are a few unexpected emotions: Guilt and Worry.

I have made no secret that reintegration from the last deployment was tough for Hubs and I. It didn't really help that we already knew there was another deployment on the horizon so I don't feel we were really able to work on our issues, we just kind of patched them up. This lengthy deployment has really given us the opportunity to fix things from a distance, but the true test will be once he gets home. Actions speak louder than words folks. Its an uphill climb, but I am very confident we can work through it. At least this time reintegration will be for good, no more deployments for us!

Now for the guilt part. No, I didn't do anything that scandalous! My guilt stems from spending money on myself instead of stashing it into savings. Last deployment, we were able to set aside a good bit of money. But the deployment was totally different. They only made 3 port stops. I had ZERO emergencies. Of course I was able to save money. This deployment was very different: there were 8 port stops and I had 2 car accidents, an emergency trip to Massachusetts, and a few other problems. I am at a point in my life where I am finally comfortable in clothes, I kind of actually love how I look in them. So I bought some clothes...and shoes....and makeup....and hair products...and workout stuff....and now I feel guilty that instead of putting money into savings that I spent money on myself. My closet was filled with clothes that were either too big or were from my college days! I had a very good excuse to update.

Do I think that I went overboard with my spending? To be honest, not really. Granted my closet is packed tight but its not any bigger than most of my friends. I wear all of my clothes, its not like I bought something then never wear it again. 

Even though I can explain away why I shouldn't feel this way, I still do. Even though I have nothing to worry about, I am still worried. Even though I have no reason to feel guilty about actually spending money on myself, I still do. 

What will make me feel better? When I pick up Hubs from the pier. 


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