Hazy

The best way to describe the last few days: Hazy.

Hubs deployed on Sunday, less than 8 months after returning from the last deployment. As I was driving up to the pier it all seemed a little too familiar. I feel like we were just there dropping him off for the first deployment. We quickly said our goodbyes (because that is the easiest for us) and we watched as he disappeared amongst the crowd walking onto the pier. I sat there for a while just staring off into the distance and letting my mind wander. This wasn't fair. He wasn't home long enough. We were just getting used to being around each other again. Just 2 weeks ago we were having the time of our lives in Disney World, how could he be leaving now?

I didn't want to go home yet. I wasn't ready to go back there yet and see all of Hubs stuff. His shoes by the door. His body wash in the shower. I wasn't ready to fold his clothes that were in the dryer or wash the bowl in the sink that he used to eat ice cream the night before.

*Yes, I left dirty dishes in the sink overnight just this one time. Don't judge me!*

I looked around and noticed all the "goodbyes" going on. It reminded me that I am probably not the only one feeling this way. I started thinking about the next time I would be in this place and I smiled. Next time I would be here, there would be big white tents filling the parking lot for Homecoming.

Then my phone started going off, my friends had said their goodbyes and didn't want to go home either. We all met up and stayed together most of the day. When everyone else went to watch the ship pull away from the pier, I went home for a nap. I was functioning on 2 hours sleep and I cannot bear to watch the ship leave. I also mustered the strength to put away the reminders that Hubs was not coming home. Eventually I met back up with my friends for dinner and "Army Wives". By the time Little Miss & I came home, it was after 11pm and I was too exhausted to feel anything else. Even though I didn't want to, I put Little Miss in her own bed and I slept alone. Before drifted off, I reminded myself that when I woke up Hubs would not be next to me.

Yup, they definitely are gone now

I don't consider Deployment Day as Day #1 of our countdown. I think the day after is the first day of deployment survival. I made a jar filled with kisses for Little Miss. Every day, she gets a "kiss" from Daddy. I actually think she understands what is going on, but I don't think she understands for how long. When I explained things to her, she nodded and said "Daddy at work." She is such a trooper.

This deployment so far has been harder emotionally than the last one. Perhaps it is because last time I was blissfully ignorant since it was our first deployment. This time I know what is coming and what to expect. I thought that experience would make this whole thing easier, but maybe that will happen further down the road. 

I am already diving head first into my check list. I had an appointment with my personal trainer yesterday and he came up with my hardest workout to date. Little Miss has been sleeping in her own bed since Hubs left. Next week we will complete potty training. I will be so happy to be done with diapers.

I am starting to see through the haze that came with this deployment, I can see the rays of light breaking through. Each day that passes is one day closer to that ship coming back home.