Thursday, April 12, 2012

Are We Ever Really Alone?

One of the things I hate the most about deployments: Being alone when I get hurt. If Little Miss gets hurt or sick, I know I can handle it. But who is going to take care of me if I get sick or hurt? Last deployment I was lucky and didn't have any mishaps, this time not so much.

Remember I mentioned how I pulled my quadricep muscle last weekend? Remember how excited I was that my muscle healed up quickly and I was able to go to spin class?

Last night I pulled my quadricep again only much worse this time. Its a funny story now, but last night I was pretty panicked. I suffer from Night Terrors. My mom has them and so did my great-grandmother. It is like a nightmare times ten. They are very realistic to me; most of them take place in my bedroom and I see people or things that aren't really there, but to me they are real.

In last nights episode, something was attacking Little Miss & me in my bed. Both in my terror and in reality, I am screaming. Usually at this point Hubs can wake me up.

But no one is here to wake me up and stop the terror from escalating.

After the screaming comes "sleep walking". Though I didn't really walk, I just started crawling around my bed trying to fight off the invisible intruder. It is all so real to me. I am sweating, my heart is racing, and I am fighting hard. That is when my quadricep *snaps* and I wake up mid-fight with one of the most intense pains I have ever felt.

When you wake up from a Night Terror, you are very confused because you don't fully realize what happened. At this point, all I know is my leg is hurting so much I am crying and I am panicking. 

No one is here to help me. 

I can't even put weight on my leg to walk. I am seeing white spots as I crawl down the stairs to get an ice pack. I crawl back up the stairs and I start panicking even more: Do I need to go to the ER? This pain is too intense to sleep through, who is going to watch Little Miss? What if I really tore something and I need surgery? WHO IS GOING TO TAKE CARE OF MY LITTLE GIRL IF I CAN'T?? (See how this is escalating?)

I call one of my friends with a medical background, thank goodness she is a night owl. She offered to drop everything and bring me to the ER if that is what I really want. As we sit there and talk it out, she tells me what I need to do for my leg. I start to calm down. I start to think clearly. I decide to sleep on it and see how I feel in the morning. My leg isn't swollen, there is no bruising, so there are no immediate signs of a tear.

I woke up this morning feeling better, I could really use a pair of crutches though. Today I realized that one of my biggest fears during deployment, being alone and getting hurt, is not really a problem anymore. I have a great support system here and if I ever hurt myself that badly, I have people here who will pitch in to help us out.

One of the great things about being a milispouse: You are never really alone!

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