Thursday, January 6, 2011

Is he really leaving?

Today I allowed myself to sit around in my sweats and just be lazy. Yesterday kind of made me re-evaluate how truly ready I am for this deployment so I wanted a day to just take it easy. It hit me like a ton of bricks last night. We were sitting on the couch watching Merlin on the laptop (remember that I am a nerd!) and Hubs was holding Little Miss as she was falling asleep. He loves holding her while she falls asleep. For the first time he mentioned his deployment: "You know when I come back she'll probably be too big for me to hold her like this anymore." Now I seriously doubt she'll grow that much, but it made me realize something. Not only is he leaving me behind, he's leaving her behind. I felt like a 10 ton weight fell on my chest. I know my whole world would end if I had to go 6+ months without Little Miss. I knew all along he was leaving us, but I guess I never put myself in his shoes when it came to being away from Little Miss. A part of me wishes I wouldn't have realized this. Now I know there is nothing I can do to help alleviate that hollowness he is going to feel because he is going to apart from his daughter. As much as Hubs loves me, I know his love for Little Miss is different and deeper just like mine is for her. So I will be praying extra hard for Hubs as he goes through this. Because even though I will not have him around, at least I will have Little Miss. Who will he have? 

So I tried to cross some things off my pre-deployment checklist today. Looks like I won't be getting a storage unit for the truck. Its going to cost as much as the insurance each month to store the truck. Now I get to play car shuffle or park the truck in the road for a couple of months...hooray. The Hubs managed to get new decals for his truck, but get this: The base is out of decals. Yah, crazy right? So it looks like I'll be taking care of the decals for my car while he's gone. No biggie.

I have been a bad friend lately. I am afraid I've been neglecting my friends because I've been preparing for this damn deployment. I feel like my life has been revolving around it and its all that I can talk about! Ughh. I hope none of them hold it against me, I've just been cramming every spare moment with stuff that we've put off until the last minute to get taken care of. I have been brainstorming though about what I can do with my friends to make the time the guys are gone pass quicker. I am thinking maybe once a week we all get together and do a pot-luck sort of thing. Each week we do it at someone else's house too. That'll make sure we all eat at least one good meal a week! 

I promise my blog isn't going to revolve around the deployment, it just happens to be the biggest thing in my life right now. I have lots planned for the months ahead. I start training for a half-marathon this month. I am going to run in the "Run for the Dream" on May 22nd and possibly the "Raleigh Rocks" half marathon on April 10th. I am also going to WIN the food wars with Little Miss. I have a very good book to help me out and I haven't opened it up since she started eating finger foods. Speaking of books, I already have 3 books sitting on my nightstand that I need to read. I have lots on my plate and no worries I'll be sharing it all. The Hubs says I have a daily word limit that I have to get in each day and he worries that once he's gone I'm not going to meet my quota!

Project Gratitude Day 4:
I am so gracious for my little angel that keeps me smiling. Little Miss did the funniest thing today. Today was bath day so I was running her bubble bath like I normally do. She was standing at the bath tub dancing around like always because she was so excited. I turned my back for just a moment then I heard a big splash. Little Miss was fully clothed and sitting in the bubbles giggling! She was so proud of herself that she figured out how to get into the tub. I love that little girl so much. 


  1. Hi Shannon,

    I know we haven't been in much contact, but I've been keeping up with you and Ernie through your posts and blog.

    My boyfriend, Chris, is in the Air Force and has been deployed since April 2010. His one year is drawing to a close soon, and I'd like you to know that, as hard as this year has been on the both of us, I believe it has made our relationship stronger. I am so proud of him and he knows how much I love him.
    Chris has a son, Christian, who will be 4 in April. He misses him dearly, every day. I believe the worst part of his deployment has been the guilt and hurt that comes with being away from his child. I have been blessed to be able to maintain a relationship with Christian through Chris's parents. And as much as Christian misses his daddy, we as adults understand that Chris's deployment, will ultimately be much easier on his very young son now, rather than later.

    Chris and I keep in touch through email, mail, and Skype mostly. I hope that you two will be able to Skype while Ernie is away. It really makes a world of difference.

    But what I really want to say is Thank You. Being there for Erine is the most selfless and loving thing you can do for him and for this country. You are not alone, and you, Ernie, and your beautiful daughter are in my prayers. If you ever need anything, never hesitate to ask.

    Victoria Amato

  2. Your blog and that comment totally made me cry. i feel the same way about it. It didn't bother me so much that he was leaving me, but that he was not going to be there for H. I'm sure we'll make it through deployment just fine, but maybe just a little bit stronger and wiser. If I was still in Va with ya, I'd bring over the booze the day they leave and help you drink the night away.

  3. Wow! I cried as well. It's really hit the last few days and watching the girls with him and watching him watch our ultrasound, I realized how much things are going to be hard for us both. I know everyone will be alright, but it's so hard to think that now. I thought I had prepared myself for this, there's only so much you can do, and I was wrong, I'm not as ready as I thought I was. Know that I'm here for you as well!!

  4. Victoria: Wow, I could never imagine being apart from Ernie for that long. You deserve a medal or something for being strong enough to survive a year deployment, especially as a girlfriend. Because lets face it alot of spouses can't stand by their man during a 6 month deployment much less a year long one. Grats to you, I am glad to know it has strengthened your relationship and I hope that it will do the same for me & Ernie. Thanks for being there for us :) It means so much to have friends standing with me. Especially when you realize there are more people than you thought!

    Penguinia: I haven't decided how I will spend the night he leaves, but drinking has definitely crossed my mind! Maybe I'll come visit you sometime, I may be making a trip up that way to see family in June.

    Lauren: Thanks for your support, we'll all get through this I just hope it flies by for our kids' sake!